Dick Shale: Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this golden holotape! That fresh golden glaze comes courtesy of the delicious box of BlamCo Mac and Cheese you just opened! I'm Dick Shale! You may recognize me from contests like the Pulowski Preservation Shelter Squat and the Red Rocket Gas-A-Thon!
If you're hearing this, it means you've won a free Extreme Adventure tour upgrade at the world-famous Uncanny Caverns! Base ticket price not included. Be at the front gates at 10 AM on October 1st and don't be late! In your wildest dreams you could not imagine the uncanny surprises that await you! And as the official Uncanny Caverns tour guide... assuming the check clears... I'll see you there too! This is Dick Shale, signing off!