| Content
|
Transcript
|
| The Adventures of Captain Cosmos
|
Captain Cosmos: Attention space cadets! This is Captain Cosmos!
Stella Skyfire: And I'm Stella Skyfire!
Captain Cosmos: And together, we've got an important announcement for all you budding astronauts!
Stella Skyfire: That's right! We've partnered with the good people at Don't Be Bored Games to leave you a special message in every box of The Legendary Run.
Captain Cosmos: But Stella! Why not just send a letter, or even better, a singing telegram? La-la-la-la...
Stella Skyfire: No one wants to hear you sing, Captain. But more importantly, those messages can be intercepted by the evil Dr. Zorbo! That's why, to read them, you'll need to use the special decoder ring included at the bottom of every box of Sugar Bombs!
Captain Cosmos: But that means I'll have to finish the cereal first! Isn't that right, Stella?
Stella Skyfire: Of course! Sugar Bombs is chock-full of important vitamins and pep peps that every space captain relies on for energy, nutrition, and rocket fuel!
Captain Cosmos: Canis Major! I think Jangles just took off with our breakfast!
Stella Skyfire: Well, looks like we've got a flight to catch! This is Stella Skyfire...
Captain Cosmos: And Captain Cosmos, blasting off!
|
| Appalachian Antiques
|
Vanessa: Mortimer, where did you find this classic Ming vase? Surely you asked the museum for permission...
Mortimer: Oh, Vanessa! First of all, it's not Ming, I would appreciate if you didn't call me a communist. Second, I didn't purchase it from a museum!
Vanessa: Really? Was it at the gallery in SoHo?
Mortimer: Getting colder...
Vanessa: The Bohemian art show in France?
Mortimer: You're freezing! Why, at this rate, I'm going to have to ask Mr. Handy to turn on the furnace!
Vanessa: Well, you have to tell me, I simply must know!
Mortimer: I bought it at Appalachian Antiques!
Vanessa: Wait! You mean to tell me there's a store selling the finest in collectible antiquities right here in West Virginia?
Mortimer: That's correct! It's just up the road north of Fort Defiance. Art and antiques, at prices only a true Watogan can afford!
Vanessa: Oh, thank heavens! I wouldn't want to run into any poor people on the way...
Mortimer: Nor would I, Vanessa. Nor would I...
Announcer: Appalachian Antiques - the finest goods and antiquities for sale, but never on.
|
| Appalachia Freeze
|
Felicity Frost: Well, I've stopped the alien invasion and saved the planet once more. Time for an ice cold beer!
Room Temperature Ronaldo: But is it ice cold? Or is it room temperature?
Felicity Frost: Room Temperature Ronaldo?! But my camp is outside...
Room Temperature Ronaldo: Was outside! For a supervillain like myself, fresh air is nothing but a mild inconvenience. A moderate detour. For behold, I've surrounded your entire camp with four walls and a roof! And when you walk inside, you'll find its contents are neither hot nor cold, but rather, the perfect room temperature! Including your drinks...
Felicity Frost: Ha! Did you think that I, Felicity Frost, would not be prepared for your moderately misguided mayhem?
Room Temperature Ronaldo: No! It's so...cold!
Felicity Frost: That's right! I put all my beverages in Appalachia Freeze, which means every bottle stays cool, even when temperatures aren't! Is there a problem, Ronaldo? Your head seems to be... burning up. Maybe you should try cooling off with a drink.
Room Temperature Ronaldo: A curse on you, Felicity Frost! A curse on you and variable temperatures, from now until the end of time!
Felicity Frost: Ah... that hits the spot. And it's all thanks to the good people at Appalachia Freeze. They're the real heroes. Call your local retailer and preserve your order today!
|
Armor Ace and the Power Patrol: The Musical
Performed by Watoga High School
|
Teacher: Come join us at Watoga High School on Saturday, November 6th, to see Watoga High drama perform: Armor Ace and the Power Patrol: The Musical. Bring the whole family to come see their favorite Power Patrol heroes, like Platinum!
Platinum: Liberty, it wasn't just meant for me and you! It's our destiny, to show the rats our point of view...
Teacher: Brickhouse!
Brickhouse: The Yukon Five, take no prisoners, we must defeat the ice [?] Commissioner Chaos!
Teacher: And more! Like they've never seen them before. Pick up an ice cold Nuka-Cola from the concession stand, and get ready to laugh, cheer, and sing along! Children ages 17 and up who want to become a real member of the Power Patrol can speak to a U.S. Army recruiter just outside the auditorium, before and after the shows.
Platinum: Spread the word to every nation!
Brickhouse: Liberty, your voice is strong!
Platinum and Brickhouse (together): Armor Ace!
Teacher: Doors open at six, on Saturday, November 6th.
|
| Fancy Lads
|
James: Hey there, Susan! Whatcha doin'?
Susan: Howdy ho, James! What's the game?
James: I'm so hungry I could eat for days...
Susan: Come on now, James! Don't be sad. Look over there, it's the Fancy Lad!
Fancy Lad: Ha-ha-ho! Hello there, children! How do you fancy some of my delicious Fancy Lad Snack Cakes?
James: Wow! Thanks, Fancy Lad!
Susan: Wow! Thanks, Fancy Lad!
Fancy Lad: I'll take my snack cakes across the world, for the fancy boys and the fancy girls!
Commercial Jingle: Fancy Lads, the best in town, that Fancy Lad really gets around...
|
| Grognak the Barbarian
|
Gravelly Musician: Lost your job? Corvega went hasta la vista? Well, fret no more! It's time to pick up your axe and become a guitarist! There's no better axe to grind than Grognak's Axe. With power pulsating through six steel strings, you'll be able to harness your inner barbarian and hammer on some tunes! Grognak's Axe features solid body construction and dual coil pick-ups to deliver an onslaught of unstoppable sound! So forget your bills, spend that last paycheck on the only weapon you need: Grognak's Axe!
Announcer: Grognak's Axe, officially licensed The Unstoppables product, available at participating music supply stores near you.
[guitar riff]
|
| Mentats
|
Martha: Hey, Mitchell! Ready to start the new school year?
Mitchell: Gosh, Martha. I don't know. There's a quiz tomorrow and I'm so nervous! The butterflies in my stomach won't stop fussing.
Martha: Oh, if it's a quiz, I don't think it's butterflies. It's probably bees.
Mitchell: Bees?!
Martha: Yep! Sounds like you've got a bad case of the brain bees. It's a medical term, made by doctors.
Mitchell: Ohh, I had no idea I was even sick! How do I stop them from buzzing?
Martha: Easy! With Mentats! They're a natural pick-me-up that helps you clear your mind and focus. They're also great for memory. One dose, and you'll remember just about everything. From the answers to the quiz, to the time you squealed to Old Man Johnson that I broke his window...
Mitchell: Jeez, Martha! Are you ever going to let that go? It's been six years!
Martha: Not as long as I have my Mentats, I won't. And soon, you won't forget it either.
|
| Nuka-Cola Quantum
|
Bobby: Hey, Mrs. Woodbury. Can I ask you a question?
Mrs. Woodbury: Sure thing, Bobby. What's on your mind?
Bobby: I'm having a little trouble with this whole "quantum mechanics" thing. How can your cat be both dead and alive? Sounds like a bunch of hooey to me!
Mrs. Woodbury: Hmm... alright. How about we change it up? Instead of a cat, let's put an ice cold Nuka-Cola in the box.
Cat: Meow!
Bobby: Oh boy, that's a swell idea! But I don't get it. How does that change anything?
Mrs. Woodbury: Think about it in terms of the number two. Before we opened this box, the cat was two things: alive and dead. And when we quantumize Nuka-Cola, it also becomes two thing: flavorful and thirst-quenching!
Bobby: Ohh, I get it! It's all about the number two. That's why Nuka-Cola Quantum has twice the calories, twice the carbohydrates, twice the caffeine, and twice the taste!
Mrs. Woodbury: Now you're thinking in quantum, Bobby!
Bobby: So, can I drink that Nuka-Cola, Mrs. Woodbury? I'm awful thirsty.
Mrs. Woodbury: I'll tell you what. You do well on the exam tomorrow, and I'll give a bottle of Nuka-Cola Quantum to the whole class! And that goes double for you kids at home. Drink Nuka-Cola Quantum for twice the refreshment and twice the pep, and you'll ace every test!
|
| Palace of the Winding Path
|
Woman: Are you tired of the rat race? The hustle and bustle? And the governments with their atom bomb bingo? Do you remember a simpler time, of peace and prosperity? When the world still had meaning... perhaps it's time for you to let go, and find a different way. Employing ancient techniques honed by ascetic monks, the Palace of the Winding Path will take you on a journey of hope and self-fulfillment, to help you rediscover the one person you've neglected in these anxious, trying times: yourself.
Old Man: Everyone here is real swell. They taught me wholeness and how to be one with the universe. Suddenly, the moral decline of America just didn't bother me so much.
Young Man: In the Palace, I learned to part from the material! With every dollar I gave away, I found the hurt fleeing from my body! Now I have nothing, and I've never felt freer. I think that's just nifty.
Mother: My husband didn't understand. My children, less so. But I found something greater. Meaningful. Every day, I cleanse my spirit, and I find myself thinking about them less and less. Golly, today was supposed to be one of their birthdays. I don't even remember which one. It's liberating.
Woman: Just off the 95 and 98, the Palace welcomes all who seek true enlightenment. Talk to a disciple today, and learn about our special discount on oil cleansings. At the Palace of the Winding Path, you can free your mind and expand your consciousness. You have nothing to lose but your pain.
|
| Port-A-Diner
|
Billy: Gee Sally, is that a Port-A-Diner Guaranteed Fresh Pie?
Sally: It sure is, Billy! I always enjoy a Port-A-Diner Guaranteed Fresh Pie after dinner!
Billy: That sure does smell fresh. Where can I get a Port-A-Diner Guaranteed Fresh Pie?
Sally: Well Billy, you can find a Port-A-Diner Guaranteed Fresh Pie at your neighborhood Red Rocket and other fine establishments!
Billy: How swell! I'm gonna get a Port-A-Diner Guaranteed Fresh Pie today!
Commercial Jingle: Nothing fits your belly finer than goodies from a Port-A-Diner! Guaranteed fresh!
|
| Rad-X
|
Dr. Huckabee: Good evening, America. I'm Dr. Huckabee, a leading nuclear physician. Every red-blooded American knows that living in the nuclear age means that we're surrounded by healthy waves of atomic energy. Now although all of us know that radiation's warm glow is good for the brain, eyes, and skin, certain individuals of frailer constitution have been known to suffer some small health effects. That's why 9 out of 10 of my colleagues recommend a daily dose of Rad-X: America's preferred anti-rad medication. Rad-X bolsters your body's own radiation resistance! Doctors spell safety: R-A-D dash X!
|
| Roborilla Goes to Washington
|
Announcer: What's that blocking the skies? Is it a solar eclipse? A Manhattan skyscraper violating height-restriction laws? No! It's Roborilla, made from 8,000 tons of Detroit steel, American ingenuity, and pure elbow grease! Fresh off his conquering of the giant Manzilloid, the mechanical mammoth returns for his greatest challenge yet: American politics!
Roborilla: [roar]
Senator Colburn: I'm sorry, Roborilla. While your legislation manages to somehow end world hunger, solve the pollution crisis, and balance the budget, I'm afraid I can't vote for it. Which is why when the session begins, I plan to filibuster the - wait, what are you doing?! [screams of terror]
Roborilla: [roar]
President: Congratulations Roborilla, I can't wait to sign your proposal into law. By the way, you've got something in your teeth. I-Is that... Senator Colburn's leg?
Roborilla: [non-committal roar]
Announcer: Watch as this titanium titan navigates politics, corruption, and backroom deals the only way he knows how: with no regard for human life! See it all and more in this thrilling motion picture event: Roborilla Goes to Washington!
|
| Salisbury Steak
|
Announcer: Why is Saddle Up Salisbury Steak America's most popular salisbury steak? Two of the reasons are flavor and creaminess. No other salisbury steak has Saddle Up's rich, creamy texture. And no other salisbury steak offers an official sticker of the package, proof of its smoothness. In a nationwide study of thousands of citizens with normal digestive tracks, noted steak specialists reported not a single case of irritable bowel, internal bleeding, or indigestion due to consumption of Saddle Up Salisbury Steak. Taste for yourself, and you'll be the next to realize why Saddle Up Salisbury Steak is the leading manufactured steak product in America, and leads sales of all other factory-made salisbury steak products by millions of barrels per year. Try it in a gelatin mold, or alongside a lovely spoonful of salt. Saddle Up Salisbury Steak - the creamiest canned steak with flavor in the entire world. Look for the official sticker on the box. The sticker guarantees quality salisbury steak!
|
| Slocum's Joe
|
Dough-Boy: Good morning, everyone! Are you feeling tired this morning? Are you just not a morning person? Or maybe you're just looking for a good drink to start the day with? Well, coming to Slocum's Joe is the right choice! How can I help the next person in line have a good morning?
Woman: Hey there, Dough-Boy. Ugh, I can't seem to wake up today. Got any specials running?
Dough-Boy: I sure do! For only $30, you can get a large coffee and a delicious jelly donut! That should perk you right up!
Woman: Wow, only $30? I found $30 in my back pocket yesterday! I'll take one.
Dough-Boy: Here you go!
Woman: Mmm... oh, this is delicious! Thanks, Dough-Boy. I feel more awake already.
Announcer: Disclaimer: Slocum Joe's cannot be held responsible for any burns caused by ingesting their products.
|
| Sonic Squire
|
Announcer: The sound you are hearing comes to you from the Sonic Squire: a brand new speaker system, featured in theaters, studios, and soon, your living room. This marvelous, life-like, one-of-a-kind sound was developed by the scientists at Sonic Soundsystems, and is used in motion pictures, concerts, and educational programming worldwide. Imagine your family, sitting down and listening to our commander-in-chief's fireside chats, in crystal-clear audio.
Jim: Well, I'm just a mechanic. I don't need high-fidelity laser crisp sound when I'm working on my car.
Announcer: You may be okay living in mediocrity, Jim. But what about your children? Consider the lesson you're teaching them.
Jim: Golly... I didn't think of that!
Announcer: That's the problem, Jim. You didn't think, and now little Timmy's going to spend the rest of his life doing things halfway.
Jim: Oh no! What have I done?!
Announcer: Don't worry, Jim. It's not too late. Buy a Sonic Squire, and you'll not only enjoy spectacular, stunning, high quality audio in your home, but you'll be setting your children up for a future of success.
Jim: I'll put in an order right now - for the garage and the living room! And then maybe some day, President Timmy!
Announcer: Why not? With high-intensity, intrepidly-bold sound, anything is possible! Visit your local electronics store and ask about the Sonic Squire, the leading brand in audio today!
|
| Sugar Bombs
|
Announcer: Modern mothers know they're busy all throughout the day! And morning is no exception. How can the mother on the go find time to ensure her family gets the nutrition they need?
Mom: You can say that again! Some days there's just no time to cook! And my children are such fussy eaters...
Announcer: Worry no more, mom! Just turn to Sugar Bombs: America's leading breakfast cereal. Just add cold milk and your family has a delicious and nutritious breakfast. With 47 grams of sugar per serving, you can feel confident your loved ones will have the energy they need to face the day!
Mom: Thanks, Sugar Bombs!
Announcer: And they're not just good for you. Kids love the delicious taste. Isn't that right, Billy?
Billy: That's right, sir! Hi everyone! I'm Billy, average American boy. Gosh, I sure do love Sugar Bombs cereal. It puts a real pep in my step! What's more, right now, if you collect 10 box tops from Sugar Bombs cereal, you can send them in for a real Dr. Zorbo decoder wristband and a booklet of fun activities. It's swell!
Announcer: Thanks, Billy. So remember: smart moms choose Sugar Bombs for a happy and healthy family!
|
| Tyler County Dirt Track
|
Female Announcer: Don't miss the automotive event of the year! That's right, it's time for the Halloween Night Demolition Derby! Right here at the Tyler County Dirt Track. With Hot Rod Daniels on the track, anything can happen, folks! So you're not gonna wanna miss it! Come on out on Halloween Sunday and watch these brave men and women battle for derby domination! Does a Fusion Flea have what it takes against the careening Corvega? Or will it get stomped like a bug? The only way to find out is to be there! Watoga High robotics club is keeping our event safe again this year with another robotic judge. If you're on the track, you're either surrounded by steel or made of steel!
Robot: Please do not strike me with your Corvega Atomic V-8. I am not worth any points.
Female Announcer: Tickets and concessions sales help support the robotics club! So come on out, enjoy a Pickaxe Pilsner and show your support for the finest minds of the next generation!
Robot: I hope I am still operational next year. I am afraid.
Female Announcer: See you at the Tyler County Dirt Track, where the fun comes at you head-on!
|
| Uncanny Caverns
|
Announcer: Calling all adventurers! Take a tour of the Uncanny Caverns today. Walk through the bowels of the Earth, in a world uninterrupted by progress. Where man's inexorable march towards doom has no sway.
Night-Kid: [screech]
Announcer: Learn about the legendary Night-Kid: half-boy, half-bat, all terror!
Night-Kid: [screech]
Announcer: What's that? You want me to tell them about our discount on premium tours? Where you explore hidden formations of ancient rock? All at rock-bottom prices?
Night-Kid: [screech]
Announcer: Not to worry, my nocturnal neighbor. I've got it all taken care of. That's why they pay me the big bucks. And you, a bucket of moths.
Night-Kid: [screech]
Announcer: Explore a piece of Appalachian history, and take a tour of the Uncanny Caverns today!
|
| The Unstoppables vs The Diabolicals
|
Female Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you this important announcement! The Unstoppables need your help, and fast! The Diabolicals have trapped them in a sinister maze and only you have the power to guide them out.
Female Child: But I'm no superhero! What can I do to save them?
Female Announcer: You can do plenty! With an Unstoppable attitude, fifty dollars, and your parent's permission, you too can be a champion of truth, justice and capitalism! Advance across The Unstoppables vs The Diabolicals game board to free our five heroes and beat these dastardly Diabolicals at their own game.
Female Child: Gosh, that sounds amazing! But I've got a lot of homework... shouldn't I do that first?
Female Announcer: There's no time! The fate of the universe is on the line, and the clock is ticking! Put down your pencils, hurry to your nearest retailer and ask about The Unstoppables vs The Diabolicals game board today!
|
| WonderGlue
|
Announcer: This broadcast is brought to you by WonderGlue - the one-of-a-kind adhesive you can use to fix anything: broken vases, cups, ceramics, and even robots. In fact, the scientists at RobCo have helped us with a demonstration. Here we have two refurbished robots, their parts reassembled with glue. Protectron 1 had his parts attached with industrial-strength WonderGlue. Protectron 2, with our leading competitor's brand. How are you feeling, Protectron 1? Do your machine parts feel securely attached?
Protectron 1: I feel wonderful! Thank you!
Announcer: Well, listen to that! You sound like you're ready to patrol the streets again. And what about you, Protectron 2? Ready to get out there and defend Appalachia?
Protectron 2: Kill me.
Announcer: My word! It seems Protectron 2 doesn't have the same zest for life that Protectron 1 has! Oh, dear. He's just fallen apart. At least he's in a better place now. Clean this up, will you, number one?
Protectron 1: Yes, sir! Yes, ma'am!
Announcer: Well, there you have it! Two out of two Protectrons agree: if you're looking for a powerful adhesive at an affordable cost, look no further than WonderGlue! It works wonders!
|
| YumYum Deviled Eggs
|
Commercial Jingle: Devilish Dan, Devilish Dan, don't you do what Devilish Dan does.
Devilish Dan: Boy, Mr. Mosely, these bushes sure are thorny, huh?
Mr. Mosely: They sure are, watch your hands!
Devilish Dan: Oh! Is that a bird's nest hidden in the thicket?
Mr. Mosely: Get out of those bushes, Dan!
Devilish Dan: No, hold on, I'm going to get me an egg. Be careful Mr. Mosely, those bushes are thorny!
Mr. Mosely: You've done it again, Devilish Dan...
Distant voice: Mr. Mosely, what are you doing playing in the bushes? Come on into the house, Dan, time for your favorite snack! Yum-Yum Pure Dried Whole Deviled Eggs!
Devilish Dan: Yum yum!
Commercial Jingle: Devilish Dan, Devilish Dan, don't you do what Devilish Dan does.
|
